I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
You Might Also Like
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!