@HenpeckedHal

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

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@UnFitz

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

@Brampersandon_

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

@JukeJointJesse

Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

@TheRobCee

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

@Sanbel11

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

@mablazarus

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.