Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.