“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
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Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.