Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
In case you needed to hear it:
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
my favorite genre of twitter
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.