Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.