Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
fr
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars