@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

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@kelly__le

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

@MavenofHonor

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

@KPsych29

My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.

@LindaInDisguise

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

@BradBroaddus

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

@SteveKoehler22

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@ddsmidt

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

@internetluke

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*