I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You Might Also Like
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Nose
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.