I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
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My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.