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@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@TheBoydP

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

@MissNaughty1801

My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you

@PajamaStew

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

@mommajessiec

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

@Cheeseboy22

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

@_mindflakes

Did you know that 1 in 5 people are fruit bats? Look at 4 of your friends. If none of them are fruit bats, it’s you. You’re a fruit bat.

@shutupmikeginn

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.