Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
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I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.
DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?
KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Doesn’t seem very hygienic.