Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
You Might Also Like
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?