@Parkerlawyer

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

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@MehrangizC

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

@OctopusCaveman

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

@chloethesiren

My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”

@BigBagOfScum

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

@daddydoubts

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

@Chumpstring

KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.

@InternetHippo

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN