Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I saw this ending much differently.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”