today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.