Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

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You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.


Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.


CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.


“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”


Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”


ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*


[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!


Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!


Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while


[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”