@Marcmywords2

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

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@Ivsy01

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@iGreenMonk

Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

@sploosk

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

@daemonic3

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

@HenpeckedHal

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

@Lisabug74

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”