The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
This thread gets better every time I read it
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
ME: snakes are mean
ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs
ME: so the ends justify the mean
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful