There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
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going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?