me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Duckling means “little duck”.
As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Shh everyone play along!!
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My family leaves lights on that I didn’t even know we had.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!