“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Every time my phone rings
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch