Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
This is my pinned tweet
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?