@leshnevsky

Today’s 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player.
What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@Dr_powpow

I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.

@ObscureGent

Marijuana is a dangerous drug. My uncle once got so high that he thought it was OK to explain the musical history of Santana and the Grateful Dead.

@steeve_again

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

@T_Bonezzz_

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

@GreeGreeHoist

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

@OneFunnyMummy

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

@CarolineSiede

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.