@leshnevsky

Today’s 3-year-olds can unlock the smartphone and launch favorite app or music player.
What did I do in my 3-year-old? I ate sand.

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@AngryRaccoon2

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

@Henry_3k

*Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*

@geowizzacist

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

@KKAlThani

Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”

@Vodkantots

Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.

YOU don’t know.

@ilovepie84

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

@Garbage404

Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.

@TheToddWilliams

[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear