*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.