Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.