Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
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My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”