Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.


My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from


Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.


Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that


[naming fruits]

it’s orange colored. call it an orange. these berries are blue. blueberries. *hits bong* and these here berries are very straw.


if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.


Me: Guess what
Her: What
Me: The opposite of Aquaman
Her: …
Me: Is Landlady
Her: …
Me: …
Her: Your rent is still due tomorrow
Me: Ok


You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.


starting a podcast where i don’t speak. it’s just 48 minutes of complete silence. u put it on whenever u want a break from listening to music or other podcasts


MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.