Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

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Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?


Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it


teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”


JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY


White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”


HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails


[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding


DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*


[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face