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@botandy: Today's fortune cookie reads: 'you are the only human in this restaurant don't look up'
@TimmyPumpkin: *licks stamp*
hmmm tastes weird
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn't a stamp
@robin_991: “How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
@tigersgoroooar: Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
@CakeThrottle: If Jesus was a cat we'd have nine Easters.
@GrantTanaka: creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don't know they're dead
me: [racks shotgun] same