Jealous of how pineapples always have cool hair.
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
*man invents wheel*
“How can we possibly improve this?”
*Man invents wheel of cheese*
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.