Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh