Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

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Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.


Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.


the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:


Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”


Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”

Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?


Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.


Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?


I gotta stop applying for everything on Indeed. I got an interview on Tuesday to be a pastor 😭😭 AND IM MUSLIM


at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations


At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.