Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
WTF
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.