More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
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midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I support this random dude and all his protests
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.