Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw