I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.