Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Sign of the day..
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Who called it baking and not making love
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.