“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
You Might Also Like
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years