You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Very good news from my accountant
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.