CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
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If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Doggies just call it style.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?