My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You Might Also Like
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Namaste
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.