@annoyed__asian

Today’s tea:

) ) )
) ( ) )
_(___(____)____(___(__ _
if white people /
invaded half of / __
the world for / |
spices, why do /——
they not use it /
_______________/

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@PeaceInTruth1

Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.

@pensnparchment

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

@Scott_A_Gilmore

They’re just making up new weather with this ‘thunder snow’ shit. Next we’ll have ‘earthquake rain’ or ‘sunny darkness’ or some shit.

@jacob_swift16

‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’

-Drunk people

@Bizarro_Mark

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

@iscoff

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

@PJTLynch

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

@MrGynosaur

Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry

@adamgreattweet

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

@mydmac

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.