Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
How animals would run if they were human
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads