Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.