[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.


[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time


Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!


Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes?

Me: I’m flattered you think I’m a model but I’ll just look at the regular homes


Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.


Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:


I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.

I saw a butterfly.


Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks


A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.