Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
Me: Not today Satan.
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
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ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?
Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!
Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes?
Me: I’m flattered you think I’m a model but I’ll just look at the regular homes
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:
I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.
I saw a butterfly.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.