Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My current situation
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*