Alright I’m a little concerned about the capacity so let’s all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.
If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.