Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I put the h in mysterious.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
This could be us but you eatin’
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”