@thedadvocate01

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

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@RoosterMustache

“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*

@isabelzawtun

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

@whatbabytalk

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

@PaulChimko

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

@Skoog

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

@brennadine

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

@behindyourback

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

@basit_saeed

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

@drankturpentine

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf