“Where’d my boomerang go?”
Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”
*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Kids suck. Even God gave up after only having one.
Her: We’re just different
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf