*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
A great tip. #CakeRex
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Good Morning.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
How animals would run if they were human
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting