@iwearaonesie

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

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@PaperWash

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

@RobElliottComic

I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…

@dataisplural

*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

@PJTLynch

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

@UnFitz

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

@JoParkerBear

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me