toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth