My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
You Might Also Like
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.