[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
M: between 2 trees in our yard
M: idk what his name is just send help
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!