Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out



There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*


The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!


In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.


[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family


The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.


I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home


[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?


Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.