Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@humanaaron

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

@Laser_Cat

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

@concretesledge_

The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!

@KentWGraham

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

@rebrafsim

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

@Cheeseboy22

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

@TheSkyIScrape_

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

@BuckyIsotope

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

@byronblurb

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.