@HonestToddler

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

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@Darlainky

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

@catstronomical

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@Darlainky

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@FrenulumBreve

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

@hippieswordfish

ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
911: where
M: between 2 trees in our yard
911:a hammock?
M: idk what his name is just send help

@sofarrsogud

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

@squirrel74wkgn

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

@jellybnbonanza

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!