Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I feel it
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume