Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly


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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all




7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.


Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.


Set a personal record today.

I put 300 lbs on bench press.
I couldn’t lift it, obviously, but once the weight crushed my chest, I was able to hold my breath for 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Personal best! 🙌


My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.


Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.


The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.


I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.