Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Meow
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.