Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
figuring out my emotional availability:
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.