toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.


Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid


“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand


*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”


Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!


she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”


When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.


with everyone on lockdown, the lime scooters are finally returning to the river. nature is healing, we are the virus.