@iwearaonesie

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

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@funnyordie

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

@PaperWash

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

@AmishPornStar1

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

@Lisabug74

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

@BrainSeducer

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

@whatmaddness

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

@XOperfectmessXO

When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.

@taladorei

with everyone on lockdown, the lime scooters are finally returning to the river. nature is healing, we are the virus.