toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
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COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Ken is short for chicken
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Why is no one talking about this?!
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]