toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
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I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Important reminders
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.