@sip_at_home_mom

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

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@HatfieldAnne

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

@WheelTod

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

@Roohani19

Apparently, “he’s an army officer” isn’t the correct response to “who’s your daddy”.

@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

@fignhoney

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

@FuckabillyRex

If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.

@Abusitron

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

@samfromks

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to come to my door.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

@LindzThoughts

Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”