Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
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Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.