[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
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Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.