[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):

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Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.


When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”


robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*


Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.


I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.


I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.


me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip


Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.


[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*


cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks