@sophielou

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

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@LosLos__

What can I bring to your party?

Friend: A six pack.

[does 10 crunches]

[cancels]

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@losdrogas

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

@JPHaddadio

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

@reallifemommy3

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

@beefman138

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

@girlnarly

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

@joeljeffrey

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

@Shenaniglenns

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else