[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
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I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only