[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):

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What can I bring to your party?

Friend: A six pack.

[does 10 crunches]



“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event


went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser


Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?


Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way


My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.


woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best


Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.


Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else