[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.