*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.