@SamPsychMeds

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

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@c12h22o11balls

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

@briancthayer

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

@karanbirtinna

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

@kimtopher22

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

@tayandmae

9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters

9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children

@samfromks

I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.

@DanMentos

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

@Ochie2S

Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”

@DamiensGate

Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. 🙁