
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters
9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children
I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”
Girl: “Abroad”
Me: “I also come from a woman”
Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. 🙁