@SamPsychMeds

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

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@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@ShootyDoody

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

@chuuew

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

@underchilde

You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.

@daemonic3

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

@Jason_maybe

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

@desukidesu

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yeah

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@LaBelleMae

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.