murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Elon Musk: *launches car into space*
Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class
Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*
Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.