@Skoog
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
@SamPsychMeds
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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@Skoog
@ShootyDoody
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
@chuuew
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
@underchilde
You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.
@daemonic3
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
@envydatropic
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
@Jason_maybe
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
@desukidesu
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yeah
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
@Jerrypleasure
Elon Musk: *launches car into space*
Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class
Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*
@LaBelleMae
Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.