@jeremiahtolbert

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

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@ericsshadow

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

@sucittaM

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

@spookyDichotomy

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

@mommajessiec

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

@stinky_blinders

[Sitting on park bench with 3 loaves of bread, surrounded by ducks]

Stranger: You really shouldn’t feed them bread

Me: Oh it’s not for them *eats another loaf*

@kelownagoose

My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.

@MichaelTrying

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

@sbellelauren

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

@Parkerlawyer

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

@crayan9

I don’t mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving… Well that’s when I run you over