us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going
Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally
I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.
*Ouija board begins spelling*
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”
BREAKING NEWS: I have been feeling unwell the last two days – tired, headache, foggy brain. I have been concerned about COVID infection, but it was hard to imagine how: we have been so careful.
I just discovered 5 minutes ago that I HAVE BEEN MAKING DECAF COFFEE FOR 2 DAYS.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!