*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
#dalle2
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.