Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Sitting on park bench with 3 loaves of bread, surrounded by ducks]
Stranger: You really shouldn’t feed them bread
Me: Oh it’s not for them *eats another loaf*
My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
I don’t mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving… Well that’s when I run you over